Finding Myself Picking Up The Pieces Of A Life Less Lived......

How is it I could have the greatest gift, Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and still feel a black abyss within myself?

How is it I could have the light of the world and walk in darkness?

How is it I could take myself to a hidden place each day to hide from the life which I have been freely given to live?

I seem to have turned away, fallen back, missed upon wishful thinking that there was substance in me, in her. At last I find in myself the black spot, hidden, dark, haunting, gnawing its way through my very being. Anger, turned deceitful. Turned pale as the moonlight's shadow cast down upon my heart. This internal struggle not mine alone, but within her as well. Walking together, yet so far apart we miss living life for what it is, what it can be, what it should be.

My glass is neither half full nor half empty, having shattered some time ago; too bad I didn't bother to pick up the pieces and try to place them together again. My heart said it was what I should do, never minding that it could, and likely would, happen again; my mind playing the trickster pulling me away from the pile of knife-edged shards, telling me it was safer that way. You can't get cut if you don't play with sharp objects, even if those objects are your very being, who you are, what you are that has been broken. Years after now, I see that I seem to have lost some of the pieces, pieces that were good, some that were bad. I am not sure if I can ever find them, to have them back; my foolish splendor of keeping myself, my heart, safe from her.

I missed being even as incomplete as I was, now scattered broadly in shame. Likened to a river flowing, full of life, I am now but a dried up creek bed that floods with rushing anger when the storm inside rages and I lose the fight against it.

I once heard that one's life is like an open book; my pages are tattered, torn and the novel being placed high upon a hidden shelf. Pages have been wrenched from within, strewn crumpled down my path, some having been a product of me, some of others. Can I finish what is already written, my novel of life has writer's block; blocks placed out of hurt, out of fear, out of anger hinder my travel.

I dare say that in misery, trudging daily life takes on a horrendous appeal that creates hollows within, hollows that sleep, hollows that gnaw, hollows that wrench my very being with panic, pain. Fleeting imagery flashes in a dream, a time gone by when life seemed to lift me up; now it is I who must lift my life up to regain part of who I am, who God made me to be with the realization it is for Him.

Resurrecting my very being from the smallest part, to the largest; He will guide me, build me, cover me. The pages of this life flutter in the sweet breeze that whispers His love, opening as a morning flower ready to sing His praise. He shall be my cover, my protector, my guardian and I will give Him all the praise, honor and glory that is due.

Giving thanks for all things, trials and tribulations that generate character, that grind away the rough to reveal unto Him the diamond He placed to shine, awaiting the final polishing at His feet in Heaven. She is my diamond that He prepared for me, to shine for me and I was the dull lackluster coating that tried to cover her brilliance, her life to keep myself safe, away from pain that happens in love.

This life less lived.......now must be lived to the greatness He has planned, ordained and set before me. I no longer want a glass that is shattered, but I desire it to be whole again. If I said it was half-empty I would desire to view it as half-full; the true desire is not either half but overflowing. Blocks being moved around, tore down in this life so that I may live without regard to the pain that may come, the dark that may try to overshadow me. For the light is within my soul, that no shadow can overcome, the light I did not fully understand, the light I at times tried to side-step. He shall be a lamp unto my feet, and I will try not to side-step on to my own path as I have done so many times, hiding the light that guides my way.

Moving forward, not withstanding the healing process that must endure for a short while, I am finding the life I live to start opening up, to start freeing me from the bounds I placed about myself.

Surgery Outcome

Surgery went well, all is good and I have healed pretty good, but the Dr. will tell me for sure on Wednesday.

Surgery

I have surgery 8:30 am on Tuesday Feb. 6th. Fun eh? At least they will get me fixed up.

I may be posting some on here this week while I am laid up from surgery, not sure yet.